My friends, they love my intelligence
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
