Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
