he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think I just sharted jello shots
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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