I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
