Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Randomize
