Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
