My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
