remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
