I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
