a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
