When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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