My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
