My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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