It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
