I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
