While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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