I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sorry about my life...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
