Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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