Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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