Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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