I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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