The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
