Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
