When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
you never un-have a 4some
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
