I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
