I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
