Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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