I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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