I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
