I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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