tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
