You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize
