The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
