i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
