I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
