I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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