Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
