Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
