my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
