I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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