i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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