and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
