My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
