Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
