I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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