I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
