He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
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Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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