there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize