I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
