Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
