i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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