im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
