he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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