a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
