I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
