In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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