i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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